When Recall Becomes a Game: Understanding Control, Choice, and Memory in Children
When Recall Becomes a Game: Understanding Control, Choice, and Memory in Children
“He has his own names for everyone in the family. But when we ask him to say our names, he just won’t — even though we know he can.”
— Parent, Online Counselling Session
These reflections are drawn from my AI assistant’s notes, which help me capture subtle patterns during sessions — often the kind that spark big insights for other parents too.
The Parent’s Observation
During our conversation, the parent shared something that might seem minor at first glance — but it reveals a great deal about how children assert agency.
Her child could easily recall and use his own names for extended family members when looking at pictures. But when asked to name his parents, he chose not to respond. There was no sign of confusion or memory lapse. This was a moment of choice, not incapacity — almost as if he was saying, “I’ll speak on my terms.”
Many Trailblazer children use these micro-moments to maintain a sense of control in their environment. For parents, it can feel puzzling or even slightly frustrating, but it’s not a “problem.” It’s communication through action.
Our Approach
Instead of turning it into a test or confrontation, we explored how to honour the child’s agency while gently inviting participation:
- Recognising that withholding isn’t defiance — it’s often the child asserting comfort and boundaries.
- Reducing the demand-laden tone (“Say Mama now”) and replacing it with playful, low-pressure invitations.
- Allowing the child to lead some naming activities, so he feels ownership rather than compliance.
- Keeping the interaction light and humorous, rather than anxious or corrective.
AI Assistant’s Session Notes (Extract)
(Anonymised highlights)
- Child uses his own names for extended family, but withholds parents’ names.
- Parent slightly puzzled, but not concerned.
- Sameena explained this as a control and choice moment, not a memory issue.
- Suggested making naming playful and allowing the child to initiate.
- Parent appreciated the perspective and agreed to observe without pressure.
How to Apply This at Home — 3 Gentle Shifts
If a child withholds a word they clearly know, see it as communication — not disobedience.
Replace “Say this now” with playful engagement, songs, or role-play.
When children feel they have control over language exchanges, they often engage more willingly and confidently.
Final Reflection
Not every parenting moment needs “fixing.” Sometimes, the real work lies in understanding the quiet layers beneath a child’s choices. Language isn’t just about words — it’s about agency, comfort, and connection. When we honour that, we build trust that lasts far beyond a single naming game.
Thank you for being part of this quiet revolution.
The momentum is real. And it begins with you.
— Authored by Sameena Zaheer
Special Educator | 25+ Years of Experience