We Are Taking Away the Core Identity of Our Neurodiverse Children

  We Are Taking Away the Core Identity of Our Neurodiverse Children

Understanding Core Identity 

The core identity of a child is the essence of who they are—their unique personality, preferences, strengths, and even their quirks. For neurodiverse children, their core identity often includes the ways they perceive the world, process information, and interact with their environment. It’s crucial for parents to understand that this core identity is what makes their child unique and special. Attempting to mold them into a more “acceptable” or “normal” version can lead to a loss of this identity, which can have long-lasting emotional and psychological effects.  

Taking Action, One Step at a Time 

As a parent, it is your responsibility to protect and nurture your child’s core identity. This must be done one step at a time, with thoughtful and deliberate actions. No one else will stand up for your child in the way that you can—because, in reality, no one else will stand for anyone else in the same way. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that schools, therapists, or society will look out for your child, but the truth is that this lies with you. By advocating for your child’s uniqueness and refusing to force them into a box, you preserve their identity and help them grow into confident, self-assured individuals.

The Huge Cost of “Normalizing” Neurodiverse Children 

In our well-meaning attempts to help neurodiverse children navigate a neurotypical world, we may inadvertently convey that their natural behaviors, interests, and ways of thinking are wrong or inferior. This push toward conformity comes with significant costs—both for the child and society. Loss of Self-Worth:
When children are constantly told to suppress their unique traits, they may begin to believe that who they are isn’t good enough. For example, a child with autism who has a deep interest in trains or chargers might be discouraged from indulging in this passion because it’s seen as “obsessive.” This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and a lack of self-esteem, as their natural curiosity and interests are dismissed rather than nurtured.

Emotional Suppression:
Forcing a child to conform to societal expectations, such as making eye contact or discouraging stimming (self-stimulatory behavior), can lead to emotional suppression. Many neurodiverse individuals find eye contact uncomfortable or even painful, yet they are often taught to make eye contact because it’s a societal expectation, even if it causes distress. Similarly, stimming, which is a natural way for many to regulate their emotions and sensory experiences, is often discouraged or punished because it appears unusual to others. These pressures can contribute to anxiety, depression, and frustration as the child learns to suppress their true self. Missed Potential:
By not embracing neurodiverse children’s unique ways of thinking and learning, we may stifle their potential to excel in areas where they could truly shine. Forcing them into more “typical” activities can prevent them from developing their natural talents and passions, which might have otherwise led to remarkable achievements.

Strain on Relationships:
Children who are forced to conform may struggle with relationships, as they might feel misunderstood or unsupported by those around them. The constant pressure to act “normal”- just like the other children (who, precisely - may i ask? ) can create a barrier between them and their peers, leading to social isolation and strained relationships. 

 A Lifelong Impact: The effects of attempting to normalize a child can carry into adulthood, affecting their ability to form healthy relationships, succeed in their careers, and maintain a positive self-image. The repeatedly and insistently taught message that their true selves are unacceptable can linger, leading to long-term emotional and psychological challenges.

Protecting Your Child’s Core Identity:

Supporting your neurodiverse child means actively safeguarding their core identity. This involves more than just understanding their differences; it requires a commitment to celebrating and nurturing who they truly are. Here’s how you can protect and empower your child’s unique identity:

 1. Embrace Their Uniqueness:

Recognize and Celebrate Strengths: Focus on what makes your child special. Highlight their talents and interests rather than attempting to correct their differences. Celebrate every achievement and encourage them to explore their passions. Always maintain a dated diary for yourself to see the gradual effect and impact. 

2. Build a Supportive Environment:

Create a Safe and Adaptable Space: Design their environment to suit their needs. This might include establishing predictable routines, creating sensory-friendly spaces, or offering creative outlets that align with their interests. The goal is to make them feel comfortable and understood in their surroundings.

3. Encourage Authentic Self-Expression: 

 Promote Freedom of Expression: Allow your child to express themselves in ways that feel true to them, whether it’s through art, music, play, or other forms of creativity. Encourage them to explore their interests without fear of judgment or correction.

Acknowledge Non-Verbal Communication: For non-verbal children, it’s crucial to recognize that their silence does not equate to a lack of understanding. These children are often communicating in ways that may not involve words but are equally meaningful. Be patient, observe their cues, and acknowledge their attempts to connect. By letting them know, “We understand you, we get you, and you’re doing well,” you affirm their identity and foster a sense of being heard and valued.  

 4. Advocate Fiercely for Their Needs: 

Be Their Strongest Advocate: In educational and social settings, ensure your child’s neurodiversity is respected and understood. Work closely with teachers, therapists, and other caregivers to ensure your child receives the support they need to thrive without compromising their identity. 

5. Educate Yourself: 

Commit to Lifelong Learning: Continuously educate yourself about neurodiversity. Share this knowledge with others—family, friends, educators—to foster a more accepting and supportive community for your child. The more informed people are, the more they can contribute to a nurturing environment. 

6. Support Their Journey with Patience and Love: 

Understand the Process: Protecting your child’s core identity is an ongoing journey, not a one-time task. Initially, your child may rely heavily on your guidance, but the effort you invest now will pay off as they grow. Like any well-invested parent, the more you nurture and support them during these formative years, the more independent and self-assured they will become. 

Teach Life Skills Daily: Instill life skills in your child every day—teach them respect, how to share love and feelings, and how to be responsible. Most importantly, help them discover their purpose. When you empower them to believe in themselves, they will reach for the stars. If you underestimate them, how can they learn to navigate a world that often doesn’t respond the way they understand it? Your role is to make them feel that their unique skills are their strengths, to guide them toward becoming who they want to be, and to support them in fulfilling their purpose on earth.

It’s your responsibility to protect and acknowledge your child’s core identity, guiding them with love, patience, and understanding. The effort you put in now is not just for today but lays the groundwork for their entire future. By teaching them life skills, nurturing their strengths, and helping them find their purpose, you are building a foundation for them to thrive independently. Acknowledge their unique qualities and empower them to believe in themselves. Your belief will fuel their confidence, allowing them to navigate the world with assurance, knowing they have a unique and valuable place within it. 

They are a blessing, born with potential that only you have the insight and ability to help them fully realize, as many may not possess the understanding or skills to do so.

Its really up to you.