The ABC of Behaviour Every Parent Needs to Know

Before You React, Observe: The ABC of Behaviour Every Parent Needs to Know

Children rarely act out without a reason.

The problem is, we often correct the behaviour before understanding where it came from.

Unless it’s become a learned behaviour — where the child has figured out:

“If I cry, throw, or resist, I get what I want.”

These patterns often develop over time when responses (without meaning to) reward the behaviour.

Whether it’s rooted in emotional overwhelm or habit, the solution lies in observation — not reaction.

Behaviour is not the enemy. Confusion is.

And the key to clarity lies in one simple tool: the ABC of Behaviour.

Why Behaviour Is a Form of Communication

When a child hits, shouts, throws something, or completely shuts down, they are communicating something they can’t say with words — a feeling, a need, a frustration.

Most children, especially those under 10 (and many neurodiverse children), don’t yet have the language or emotional regulation to say:

  • “I’m overwhelmed.”
  • “This is too hard.”
  • “I’m scared I’ll fail.”

So their behaviour becomes their loudest language.

As parents, our job is not to control the behaviour first — it’s to understand it.

What Is the ABC of Behaviour?

The ABC framework helps you decode your child’s actions by looking at the full picture — not just the behaviour itself.

  • A – Antecedent: What happened right before the behaviour?
  • B – Behaviour: What exactly did the child do? (Be specific.)
  • C – Consequence: What happened immediately after the behaviour?

This simple tool helps us understand patterns.

And once we understand patterns, we can change them.

Real-Life Example

Let’s say your child screams every time you bring out homework.

  • Antecedent: You place a worksheet on the table
  • Behaviour: The child yells, throws the pencil, and runs away
  • Consequence: You get frustrated, remove the worksheet, and let them calm down

It happens again tomorrow. And the next day.

What has the child learned?

“If I scream, the homework goes away.”

So even though the intention was to avoid conflict, the consequence actually reinforced the behaviour.

Why This Matters So Much

Most parenting mistakes come from focusing only on the B — the behaviour.

But when you start observing the A and the C, you begin to:

  • Spot patterns
  • Understand triggers
  • Prevent outbursts instead of reacting to them

This tool isn’t just for “problem behaviours” — it’s a way to tune into your child’s world.

Common Mistakes Parents Make

  •  Jumping straight to correction
  •  Reacting emotionally, which escalates the situation
  •  Inconsistent consequences that confuse the child
  •  Assuming the child is misbehaving “on purpose”

    • Children aren’t manipulating you — they’re navigating their world the only way they know how.

    What You Can Do Instead

    1. Start a Behaviour Journal

    For 3–5 days, make quick notes:

    • What happened just before? (A)
    • What did they do? (B)
    • What happened next? (C)

    You’ll be amazed at the clarity this brings.

    2. Modify the Antecedent

    If you notice a particular activity always causes stress — e.g., homework — try:

    • Giving a 5-minute warning
    • Offering a choice between two tasks
    • Doing a movement break before sitting

    3. Rethink the Consequence

    Make sure your consequence:

    • Is consistent
    • Doesn’t accidentally reward the behaviour
    • Is calmly delivered

    Example:

    Instead of removing the worksheet entirely, say:

    “I see this feels hard. We’ll do just 2 questions now, and the rest later. Let’s do it together.”

    What About Older Children Who Are Aggressive, Dismissive, or Don’t Listen?

    Sometimes, behaviour isn’t explosive — it’s cold. A child might shut down, ignore, walk away, or dismiss you entirely.

    Here’s how to understand and respond:

    What It Might Mean:

    • The child has learned that disconnecting gives them control
    • They may be experiencing overwhelm, shame, or fear of judgment
    • They no longer feel heard or safe in the interaction

    What You Can Do:

  • Stay Calm, Not Reactive:

    Do not chase the child with repeated commands or emotional reactions. That fuels the resistance.
  • Rebuild Connection Outside the Conflict:

    Spend time with them when they’re not “in trouble.” Talk about music, food, or anything non-corrective.
  • Use “Pause and Check-In” Language:

    Instead of “Why are you ignoring me?”, say:

    “I’m noticing that you’re not ready to talk right now. I’ll wait till you are, but I’d like to sort this out together.”
  • Model Respectful Communication:

    Even if they dismiss you, maintain your tone. Consistency over time rebuilds safety.
  • Follow Through Without Aggression:

    Calm boundaries matter. “I understand you’re upset, but hitting isn’t okay. We’ll talk again after a break.”

    • Why Making Notes Matters

    In the heat of the moment, memory fails us.

    But behaviour journals help you:

    • Get out of emotional reactivity
    • Spot small changes you may otherwise miss
    • Track real progress over time

    It’s not about control.

    It’s about insight.

    When we pause to observe — before we react — we give our children what they truly need:

    Understanding
    Predictability
    A sense of safety

    When we understand the “why” behind a behaviour, we stop reacting to the noise — and start responding to the need.

     Thank you for being part of this quiet revolution. 

    The momentum is real. And it begins with you.  

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