Are You Speaking To Your Child or At Them? What’s the Real Difference — And Why It Matters

Most parents don’t intend to hurt their children.

But words — especially the ones we say every day — can scar for life.

Especially when they’re said without thought.

Especially when we speak at our children instead of to them.

Think before you speak.

You may forget what you said — but they won’t.

And that memory may just become their belief about themselves.

Children are not an extension of us.

They’re individuals — shaped by us.

And every word you say is a seed you plant.

You’re the gardener. What you grow is what you’ll live with.

So be mindful.

You reap what you sow.

Your Words Become Their World

Most ND (neurodiverse) children don’t need more instructions.

They need safer interactions.

They are deeply observant — even if they don’t always respond the way you expect.

They notice the sighs, more than you can imagine.

The scolding.

The tone of disappointment.

The repeated corrections.

And soon, these become patterns they internalise.

If your tone says: “You’re too slow / difficult / embarrassing,”

their mind stores: “I am wrong just for being me.”

Speaking At vs. Speaking To

Speaking at your child is:

Loud, reactive, done in frustration
Focused on obedience, not understanding
Driven by your emotion, not their experience

Speaking to your child is:

Calm, connected, intentional
Grounded in awareness
Focused on helping them understand themselves and their world

When you speak to them — you treat them like a person.

When you speak at them — you treat them like a problem.

Phrases That Wound — Please Stop Saying These:

“Why can’t you just listen for once?”
“Stop crying — there’s no reason.”
“Don’t be so difficult.”
“You always do this!”
“You’re embarrassing me.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Big kids don’t act like this.”
“I’m tired of telling you again and again.”

Each of these tells the child:

You’re the problem. Not your struggle. Not the situation. You.

And it leaves an invisible wound.

What to Say Instead — Calm. Clear. Grounded.

“Let’s try again. I’ll help.”
“I see you’re upset. Let’s breathe together.”
“Tell me what’s going on. I’m listening.”
“I know this is hard. But you’ve done hard things before.”
“You’re allowed to feel upset. I’m still here.”
“Let’s find a way to fix it, not blame it.”

A Necessary Perspective Shift

We’ve been raised to control our children.

But we need to connect instead.

Don’t say: “They’re not listening to me.”

Say: “What do I need to shift so they feel safe enough to listen?”

Don’t say: “They’re being stubborn.”

Say: “What is the emotion behind this resistance?”

Don’t say: “I’m the parent. I said so.”

Say: “I’m the parent. That means I go first — in understanding, not just instruction.”

Parenting isn’t a power game.

It’s a long-term relationship of guidance — rooted in trust, not fear.

ND Children Are Brilliant — When Treated With Dignity

They learn fast.

They feel deep.

They store everything.

They may not always speak or express clearly — but that doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking powerfully.

Your child is intelligent in their own way.

They don’t need pity.

They don’t need overprotection.

They need honest guidance — and emotionally stable leadership.

Don’t Reset the System Every Time Life Is Hard

If your child is treated unfairly — by a teacher, peer, or relative — don’t be too quick to rescue or rearrange their world.

Don’t say: “We’ll be your friend.”

Don’t say: “Don’t bother making friends. Just stay with us.”

Don’t say: “Let’s change your class again.”

Instead, equip them.

Help them speak up.

Help them navigate discomfort.

Help them learn that life is not about escaping problems, but working through them.

You don’t fix every storm by moving the child.

You teach them how to stand tall through it.

You Are the Framework

You are the root beneath the soil.

The metal frame of the building.

The wind beneath their wings.

Don’t box your child in just because you haven’t learned how to balance your own emotions yet.

The more grounded you are,

the freer your child becomes.

Your Words Shape Their Future Confidence

Give them words to stand on.

Not words they’ll spend years recovering from.

Because the child who grows up hearing they’re respected —

becomes an adult who knows how to speak, decide, question, and lead.

Catch Line (To Hum in Your Head):

When you’re tired, pause the talk.

When you’re angry, take a walk.

When you’re unsure, meet their eye.

Then speak with love. And watch them fly.

And when in doubt — sing this to yourself out loud.

Coming Up Next:

Next blog: “Raising Resilience — What It Really Means and How to Build It Daily”

Because emotional strength doesn’t come from comfort — it comes from safe, supported challenge.

Author’s Note

Sameena Zaheer

25+ years of helping children become grounded, self-led individuals — by guiding parents to lead with calm, not chaos.

Thank you for being part of this quiet revolution.

The momentum is real. And it begins with you.

Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Blog

Posts tagged with ConsciousParentingNeurodiverseChildren-WordsMatter-ParentingWithEmpathy

Are You Speaking To Your Child or At Them? What’s the Real Difference — And It Matters