Absurd Things We Never Thought We’d Say Until We Became Parents

“No, You’re Not a Lion”: The Wildly Funny Things Parents Say (And Why It’s Totally Normal)

Ever said something out loud as a parent and immediately thought,

“Wait… did I just say that?”

Welcome to the real parenting club — where conversations sound like a cross between survival manuals, philosophical riddles, and stand-up comedy.

Because you know the truth:

Parenting is basically a live improv show.

No script. No dress rehearsal. Just wild questions, sticky fingers, and deep emotional plot twists.

The Absurd Reality of Raising Tiny Humans

You thought parenting would involve wise, profound lines like:

“Kindness is your superpower.”

“Breathe through big feelings.”

“Believe in yourself.”

But in reality, you find yourself whisper-screaming things like:

“The sink is not for pooing.”

“No, you cannot wash your toys in the toilet.”

“Stop sniffing the marker. No, the whitener too. Please — not the glue stick.”

“And just when you think it can’t get weirder… No, you’re not a lion. You cannot pee in the garden.”

Yes, you’re parenting. And yes — it’s completely normal.

The “Did I Really Just Say That?” Hall of Fame

Here’s a collection of top-tier, absolutely real things parents say — all in a day’s work:

  • The Wall and the Floor Are Not Scribbling Pads

     Your home is not a mural. Your furniture didn’t ask to be abstract art.
  • Sand Is Not for Eating

         Even if it’s “crunchy” — it’s not a side dish.
  • The Park Is Not the Toilet

         Not behind the slide. Not near the dog. Not under the tree. Just… no.
  • Rice and Curry Are Not Body Paint

         Even if it “feels nice,” it’s not for your legs. Or your eyebrows.
  • Glass of Milk ≠ Whiteboard Whitener

     It’s for bones, not for erasing mistakes.
  • Clothing Patterns Are Not Practice Sheets for Cutting Shapes

     This is not your craft assignment. That was your school uniform.
  • Screen Time Has a Limit. Saying “One More Minute” 47 Times Doesn’t Reset It

     The timer hears you. So do we. It’s still bedtime.
  • The Remote Is Not a Parent-Control Device

     It doesn’t mute grown-ups. It doesn’t skip chores. It’s not your wand.
  • Toys Break When You Throw Them

     They’re not boomerangs. And no, we don’t have the magical fixing spray.
  • Balcony and Window Are Not Shooting Targets

     Things fall. People get hurt. And no, we don’t have backup flowerpots.
  • Toothpaste Is Not a Squeezy Candy

     It’s minty soap for your teeth. Not your snack tube.
  • The Dustbin Is Not a Hiding Spot for Food You Don’t Want to Eat

     We see those chapatis in there. That’s not recycling — it’s busted.
  • You Need to Chew Your Food Before You Swallow

     It’s not teleportation. It’s digestion. Please chew. Please.
  • The Fridge Is Not a Screen

     You don’t have to open it 47 times a day. It doesn’t change.
  • Your Ears Are for Listening

         They’re not just hat holders. Use them.
  • Toys Are for Playing — Not for Breaking

         We’re not hosting a demolition derby.
  • Books Are for Reading — Not for Tearing/ Not for practicing cutting

     This isn’t a strength competition. Paper always loses.
  • I’m Your Parent — Not a Sofa

     Please stop climbing me like furniture. I do not have cushions.

    • Bonus Round: The Body Has Jobs — Please Use It Accordingly

    “Use your mouth to speak — you have a voice.”

    “Use your eyes to see — they’re not just decorations.”

    “You have hands — they’re for helping, not flinging slime.”

    “You have feet — they’re for walking, not climbing the curtain rods.”

    “You have a brain — and yes, it works better when it’s switched on.”

    This Is Parenting, Not a Pinterest Board

    This isn’t chaos.

    This is real parenting.

    You’re not failing — you’re just being exposed to your child’s raw, unfiltered genius.

    They’re not “being difficult.” They’re exploring. Testing. Creating. Inventing new problems you never knew existed.

    And yes — they’re learning.

    Every time you say something that sounds like it belongs in a sitcom script, they’re actually connecting the dots of the world.

    So the Next Time You Catch Yourself Saying…

    “No, you cannot pee in the shoe rack — even if you almost made it to the bathroom.”

    “You can’t chew the shoelaces to ‘taste the journey.’”

    “The fish does not go in the microwave to get dry.”

    “No, the fridge magnets are not talking to you.”

    Pause.

    Laugh.

    And give yourself the standing ovation you deserve.

    Because this is parenting — unpredictable, unfiltered, brilliantly bizarre.

    And you’re doing just fine.

    The lines above? Most of them are from my own parenting journey — and yes, I still find myself using them with my students too.
    They bring humour.
    They take the edge off.
    They remind us that laughter is often the best de-escalation strategy.
    So try it.
    Even in a difficult moment, you might just end up laughing together — and that’s a victory in itself.

    My Final Word? You’re Not Alone (and You’re Doing Just Fine)

    So if your day involved:

    • Explaining that the dog doesn’t need to be glittered,
    • Fishing socks out of the washing machine mid-cycle,
    • Or negotiating with a 4-year-old who insists he’s legally allowed to marry chocolate…

    You’re not broken. You’re not behind.

    You’re just parenting — beautifully, messily, and with endless magic.

    Thank you for being part of this quiet revolution.


    The momentum is real.

    And it begins with you.


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